I haven’t written anything in quite a while on here, mainly because by the time I finish it seems so unimportant in the grand scheme of things that I delete it.
But I’ve decided to be real and lay some personal thoughts and struggles out here tonight on this night before Easter.
I have been struggling with my faith for years… most people who know the “real” me know this. I listen to Christian music, ask for prayer, and trust in others faith in God while mine has been failing. I can’t pull an exact moment when it started to fail, but I know it has been years.
I know it was before the Navy and my time in the service definitely didn’t do anything to help shore up my faith, but I wasn’t putting the work into it either. So many moments in my life have put nicks, cuts, gaping wounds into my armor that represents my faith.
I went to church during HS and after the Navy but it eventually became a chore and something I did because it was Sunday morning and my mom (after the Navy) enjoyed going. But during those times I never had an “aha” moment. I know it’s unrealistic for me to assume that I will get that moment… but one of the largest struggles I have is seeing someone else’s faith filled life and their ability to lean on that faith. I know that I more than likely don’t see their struggles (or at least all of them) but even then it seems that they are able to make their struggles about the strength they have in their faith.
The only comfort I have been able to give myself recently has been by listening to the Christian radio stations and other Christian music. I struggle trusting my faith, that my prayers matter (even though I have no problem asking others to pray because theirs might matter more), and I struggle hearing/feeling sermons in my heart.
I refuse to give up though… which is why I am writing this tonight before Easter. Because I do believe that Jesus died for my sins on the cross and was resurrected so that I can be made new… that much I do trust and for now it is enough.
*PS — sorry if this was rambling/confusing, I got sidetracked a few times by tears and songs on K-Love ❤️