Across The Miles

Across many miles,
You lay your head down,
Alone once again,
Through no fault of your own.

Tears of loneliness are shed,
As you reach out for me,
Finding nothing but space,
In that big empty bed.

We yearn to be together,
And cannot wait for the day,
But until then,
Feel my love across the miles.

-Dedicated to all the military men and women deployed away from their loved ones

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330 days to go & life news

Today marks the day that there are roughly (since I just picked a random day in January since we don’t know for sure) 330 days until Kyle is back. Oh how I can not wait for that day. Most would probably think that it’s a bad idea to be counting down, but for some reason to see that number slowly getting smaller… it helps and it helps a lot.

So our move went pretty decent thanks to amazing help we had on both ends. There have been some hiccups since we’ve been here but nothing that has sent me running for hills… yet 😉. Still struggling with the job hunt. The hard decision will be when to decide to stop applying because it wouldn’t be worth it anyways. But I know it’s not anywhere close to that yet.

Most of the larger things are unpacked and put it in their spots or where they’ll be staying for the time being. Now it’s just working on the smaller things and trying to pass the time.  I had thought about starting school again and would still love for that to happen, but would hate to be in the middle of classes and be traveling and not have access to decent internet for the classes. I think that will just have to wait until next year.

I am greatly looking forward to finding out where I will be calling home next. Some of that is my love for travel but the majority of that is because I will FINALLY be able to be home with Kyle wherever  that may be. I will have been waiting for that day for about three years by the time it happens and I CAN NOT wait!!

Well that appears to be it for now…

Toodles 😄

The Last Christmas

Sitting here this morning watching a Christmas movie after spending the earlier hours of the morning listening to Christmas music, it hit me. I just don’t feel it anymore… and now I know why.

That might sound harsh to some people so I’m going to explain. Growing up Christmas was exciting and a time for family. When I was really little my parents would hold an open house on Christmas day for our extended family. I remember helping to make cookies and getting excited to see the older cousins like Aurelia and Angie as well as their dad and a few other aunts and uncles that I didn’t get to see very often. We got to spend Christmas Eve with my grandparents who would come in and stay with us so they were here Christmas morning. Then that all stopped happening. I don’t know why for sure because I was little, like younger elementary school age but it did.

So Christmas became a day that just the six of us celebrated. We would decorate the outside of the house on Thanksgiving and put up some of the decorations inside that day as well. Then around the second Saturday of December, my dad would go get the tree and we would all decorate it. My sister and I from a young age would sleep on the floor in our room on Christmas Eve to try and stay up as long as possible so we could try and figure out where the gifts had been hidden so we would know where to go looking next year… (yes, we were those kinds of kids). Then we got to big or decided that the floor wasn’t comfortable and started treating it like any other night. Then even all of that changed. She moved out, I joined the military, and slowly but surely the other two siblings joined as well.

I would have to say though that one of my all time favorite Christmas’s was that last Christmas we all had with our dad. Christmas was his deal. He loved decorating the tree and I truly genuinely believe that it was the happiest day of each year for him. But I think what made that last Christmas so special is that we didn’t know it was the last. We assumed that there would be more together and that eventually he would get to share his joy for that day with grandkids and all of our spouses.

I know that I learned my love of this season from watching him and sharing all of those decorating times with him. Which is why I think for two or three weeks in December, leading up to Christmas… I just don’t feel it anymore.

But then once I actually put the decorations up, decorate the tree and think about how happy he would have been with how good it turned out (even if it is a dreaded fake tree now) those feelings tend to ease up and the Christmas season joy returns.

Second Chances

I have been thinking about this topic for a while now and decided that maybe it’s time to put some thoughts down on “paper”. I first started thinking about this topic reading a book titled “Shades of Blue” by Karen Kingsbury about a young couple that has an abortion and nine years later seek forgiveness not only from each other but God as well.

While I guess I could say I have been extremely fortunate to not have had to ever make a decision like that young couple. There are definitely some things that I wish I could go back and do over. In the storyline the characters talk about wishing how they could go back and do that day over again and how different things would have turned out if they wouldn’t have made that one decision.

I think we all have at least one decision we wish we could go back and change. To have a second chance to redo that part of our life. For a lot of people the guilt associated with not being able to do eats them up. For others they run away from the pain and guilt until it slams into them out of nowhere.

I would say that I’ve done a little bit of both, letting the guilt eat me up all the while trying to run from it. I don’t think it’s important to talk about the decisions publicly unless you so choose. But to find an individual that you would trust with anything and share that with them if they don’t already know. Maybe you can be that person for each other and allow each other to be the strength needed. Talk to God or your Higher Power if you are a person of faith.

I just can’t help but wonder where on Earth we would be if we were able to find some sort of forgiveness from a person if it is needed, forgiving someone who has harmed you, garnering understanding that even though it can’t be changed you might need to heal and accept said forgiveness so that ultimately just you or even you and the other person(s) involved can find peace.

Bittersweet Memories

I used to LOVE change… I think that was one of my FAVORITE parts of being in the military. Getting to go to a new duty station every few years where you could pretty much start over with a clean slate….make new friends, turn over new leafs, swear you would do things different and travel more. I used to look forward to that change about 2 maybe 3 months into a duty station, and then spend the next months counting down the months & days until I was leaving.

It has been that way at my current job too. Once I learned all that I felt like I could, I was READY to move on to a bigger challenge and something different. In the next 2 – 3 months, I will get that chance… and it’s more nerve-wracking than ever. In the military it was easy… I knew where I was going, that I had a job, a place to live, etc. I have 1 of those things so far. Yes, it’s a start but I have definitely become somewhat of a planner (at least in some areas of my life) and want to know this information NOW!!

So I’ll be going to a new town where I know like 4 people (two of them family members), hopefully already have a job lined up and it won’t be as difficult as it was to find one here, and find somewhere decent to live for the next year. It’s definitely going to be challenging which is a good thing… but also bittersweet.

I know this town pretty much like the back of my hand. I can tell you approximately how long it would take you to get from one side of town to the other and the best routes to take. I can show you the house I spent 18 years of my life in, my elementary school, my middle school, and the schools I went to high school in (the old Harding building and the new). I can show you the church I spent my middle & high school years, where I had my first job, totaled my first car, and the park I played baseball & softball at every summer.

When I was in the military, I was still tethered here. My parents still lived here and in the house I grew up in. I stayed in my old room when I was on leave. Now that I’m taking one of those tethers with me… there isn’t anything holding me to this town but memories.

Memories of screaming at the top of our lungs Christmas carols while my dad hung the lights outside and stopping traffic (literally), the Christmas open house parties as a kid, the big family dinners when I was home on leave, showing rabbits in 4-H and my dad taking my sister and I to far away rabbit shows to compete. Spending nights upstairs in my parents room with my mom and sister playing cards. Shaving my dad’s head in the girls soccer locker room after I scored my first goal. Scoring my first goal at the Varsity level. Coming home from Spain just to surprise Mark for his Anchor’s Aweigh party. Coming home from Maryland to see my baby brother graduate high school and then a few months later leave for the Navy.

This town is filled with ghosts and memories. And while I’m ready for this move for many reasons…. a part of me isn’t ready to say goodbye to them either. It’s familiar, it’s safe (because it is the known), and it is home.

Hourglass

As I close my eyes and all I see is white…
White grains of sand falling and slipping,
Down to their new resting place,
At the bottom of the hourglass.

Marking the passing of time,
Seconds, minutes, hours…
Leading to days, weeks, and months,
All adding up to years.

So many times I wish that I could,
Speed it up or slow it down,
Sometimes I wish I could even reverse it,
To relive some great times.

As I watch the sand slip and fall,
Trying to calculate how much time is left,
I realize that instead of speeding it up or slowing it down,
I should be enjoying what each grain represents.

Each grain represents a second chance,
A chance to love,
A chance to forgive,
A chance to make peace.

Each person needs this chance,
Which only this hourglass can show,
If you were to look at yours,
What would you see?

Lost in My Mind

Wandering around looking at all the unfamiliar spaces
Has me wondering if I spent too much time in my mind
Down one street and up another
Block upon block of all these knowing faces

I avert my eyes
So they can not see
That what has amounted of the time in my mind
Is nothing more than empty skies

I thought by staying in my mind
I could avoid all the problems and avoid all the hurt
It happened without me and moved right on past
My heart took the fall which was so unkind

Now as I wander about this Earth
I can not help but wonder what all else I have missed
Being held captive by my mind when all is amiss
I just hope I can rediscover my worth