Dear Younger Me

I heard this song, “Dear Younger Me” by Mercy Me on the radio while I was on my way to work this morning and I don’t know why but I actually really paid attention to the lyrics and continued to think about them throughout the day and how they truly applied to my life. Many times I have wondered what would have happened if I had made different choices in my life. There are definitely some things that I wish I never would have had to experienced in my 29 years on this Earth… and I have wished plenty times since those events have occurred that they hadn’t.

Then I heard these two separate lyrics in the song and it all made sense… “And try to change, The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me” and “Dear younger me, It’s not your fault, You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross”. Every time I have made those wishes about those events, I always end up circling back and being able to state what wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t gone through that. Most of the time I can find that “thing” that would be different in my life and I know that everything had to play out that way to have the outcome that it did. For those moments of pain that I have yet to understand the “why” behind it… the verse about not carrying it beyond the cross explains (at least to me) that maybe I never will and I have to be OK  and accept that I might never be able to find that “thing“.

One of the biggest flaws I have recognized in myself is the lack of trust in people that haven’t proven it. That has been one of my BIGGEST struggles in my faith journey. So the above statement about being able to accept (which to me means trust there is a bigger purpose) is so extremely hard for me to do. Another flaw of mine is not being able to forget. A lot of people say, “I forgive, but I don’t forget”. To me, forgiveness should mean that you forget, or else you’ll always wonder if that person may fail you again or hurt you in some way. If you trust them enough to still have them in your life, shouldn’t you be able to forget the pain or hurt that they caused you?

I brought that up because some of those events I have blamed God for allowing them to happen and angry at Him for the outcome and/or the pain I felt because of it. As time has passed, it’s easier to let go of some of that blame, hurt, and anger; but I haven’t forgotten. So when something happens or doesn’t happen… it is so very easy to look back at those past events and that trust starts to falter and with anything if you look too hard or too long that trust starts to crumble.  So now when that happens… I’m going to listen to this song, and really pay attention to the lyrics and feel them in my heart… especially this part:

 

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be

Here is the lyric video in case you are unfamiliar with the song:

And here are the lyrics in their entirety if you’d rather just read them:

Dear Younger Me

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be
One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be
Dear younger me,

Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride
Dear younger me, dear younger me

If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would’ve not been hard to figure out
What I would’ve changed if I had heard

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

269 days & counting!

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We are officially out of the 270s… which I swear took FOREVER! I’m hoping that with starting the new job yesterday and it taking up a lot of my time that these next days will go by even FASTER!

The next challenge for us will be a communication shift. I have gotten so used to our schedule of when we are able to talk on the phone & iMessage back and forth, but that will be changing soon and it makes me frustrated because I know that between our two schedules we will probably have less time than usual to talk unless our off days magically pair up.

But I’m trying to remain positive and hopeful that everything will work out and that one day, hopefully in a few months from now our communication will be back to in person in our own home wherever that may be!

 

The Last Christmas

Sitting here this morning watching a Christmas movie after spending the earlier hours of the morning listening to Christmas music, it hit me. I just don’t feel it anymore… and now I know why.

That might sound harsh to some people so I’m going to explain. Growing up Christmas was exciting and a time for family. When I was really little my parents would hold an open house on Christmas day for our extended family. I remember helping to make cookies and getting excited to see the older cousins like Aurelia and Angie as well as their dad and a few other aunts and uncles that I didn’t get to see very often. We got to spend Christmas Eve with my grandparents who would come in and stay with us so they were here Christmas morning. Then that all stopped happening. I don’t know why for sure because I was little, like younger elementary school age but it did.

So Christmas became a day that just the six of us celebrated. We would decorate the outside of the house on Thanksgiving and put up some of the decorations inside that day as well. Then around the second Saturday of December, my dad would go get the tree and we would all decorate it. My sister and I from a young age would sleep on the floor in our room on Christmas Eve to try and stay up as long as possible so we could try and figure out where the gifts had been hidden so we would know where to go looking next year… (yes, we were those kinds of kids). Then we got to big or decided that the floor wasn’t comfortable and started treating it like any other night. Then even all of that changed. She moved out, I joined the military, and slowly but surely the other two siblings joined as well.

I would have to say though that one of my all time favorite Christmas’s was that last Christmas we all had with our dad. Christmas was his deal. He loved decorating the tree and I truly genuinely believe that it was the happiest day of each year for him. But I think what made that last Christmas so special is that we didn’t know it was the last. We assumed that there would be more together and that eventually he would get to share his joy for that day with grandkids and all of our spouses.

I know that I learned my love of this season from watching him and sharing all of those decorating times with him. Which is why I think for two or three weeks in December, leading up to Christmas… I just don’t feel it anymore.

But then once I actually put the decorations up, decorate the tree and think about how happy he would have been with how good it turned out (even if it is a dreaded fake tree now) those feelings tend to ease up and the Christmas season joy returns.

Second Chances

I have been thinking about this topic for a while now and decided that maybe it’s time to put some thoughts down on “paper”. I first started thinking about this topic reading a book titled “Shades of Blue” by Karen Kingsbury about a young couple that has an abortion and nine years later seek forgiveness not only from each other but God as well.

While I guess I could say I have been extremely fortunate to not have had to ever make a decision like that young couple. There are definitely some things that I wish I could go back and do over. In the storyline the characters talk about wishing how they could go back and do that day over again and how different things would have turned out if they wouldn’t have made that one decision.

I think we all have at least one decision we wish we could go back and change. To have a second chance to redo that part of our life. For a lot of people the guilt associated with not being able to do eats them up. For others they run away from the pain and guilt until it slams into them out of nowhere.

I would say that I’ve done a little bit of both, letting the guilt eat me up all the while trying to run from it. I don’t think it’s important to talk about the decisions publicly unless you so choose. But to find an individual that you would trust with anything and share that with them if they don’t already know. Maybe you can be that person for each other and allow each other to be the strength needed. Talk to God or your Higher Power if you are a person of faith.

I just can’t help but wonder where on Earth we would be if we were able to find some sort of forgiveness from a person if it is needed, forgiving someone who has harmed you, garnering understanding that even though it can’t be changed you might need to heal and accept said forgiveness so that ultimately just you or even you and the other person(s) involved can find peace.

Ruminating

I saw this picture on Pinterest today and it caught my attention. I just sat here and stared at it and wondered where this has been ALL of my life! I think as people grow up they tend to start over-think things. I think some people realize how much of an endless circle it is and they are able to break themselves of it. I also think that in today’s society, more often than not most people over-think everything that happens in their life.

 Blog Pic

I am definitely not immune to this by any means… but I am hoping that I can start to break this vicious circle every once in awhile. For me most over-thinking starts with worrying about something, and then the downward spiral has begun.

For example, one of the things that I have been over-thinking about lately I’m sure is just what I want to do with myself now that I’ve graduated with a bachelor’s. Just today, I added another possibility to this list that just seems to be growing longer by the day! I do have some luck on my side though… because I don’t have to decide RIGHT now, and I’m sure that by the time it comes down to it, some of the things that exist on my list right now won’t even make the short list.

So I think for right now I’m just going to enjoy this season of my life that I am in RIGHT now and let the chips fall where they may so to speak. So I want to leave you with one parting thought…

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Just Passing Through

So many thoughts just passing through,
No solid foundation to rest on,
Just quick, painful, and lasting,
Always just passing through.

I guess you could question why,
Why that topic, feeling, or memory,
But that too is fleeting,
They’re always just passing through.

I try to grasp one,
See how long it’ll last,
But it slips through my fingers like an eel,
Always just passing through.

I hope one day I get lucky,
That I can move faster than those thoughts,
So that I can send it on it’s way for good,
Instead of always just passing through.

God: Good for the soul

Tonight feeling anxious and uncertain about what the future is going to be bring for me and all of the different paths I could end up taking… I decided I would hunt through music on YouTube. Some of the most comforting music, for me at least, is praise music and classical music. I usually listen to praise music on YouTube because there is just SO much out there. I eventually ran across the song at the end of this post by Casting Crowns titled: “You’re Already There”. This song was able to calm all of those feelings that I was having by simply reminding me that God knows how my life is going to play out and that I need to trust in Him and His plans. While this is not always the easiest thing to do, it is certainly better than stressing out over things that aren’t in your control. The hardest thing to do is ask for guidance and which path are you supposed to take when it might be the total opposite of what you thought you would/could do.

I never thought I would end up where I am today… So many things have happened over the past 27 years that have shaped me into who I am today and directed me down this path. Yes there was pain and sorrow involved… sometimes unbearable pain and sorrow (at least it was at those moments in time), there were internal and external struggles as well but most importantly there was also JOY. And to be able to look back at those struggles and times of pain and be able to see the positive things that emerged from those times is truly a blessing and good for the soul. God certainly heals from the deepest of wounds and the darkest corners of your self…